Plans For The Future

If you ever want to question everything in your life, go to a funeral for a young person. I've spent the majority of the day contemplating my life. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I don't hold grudges or stay mad at people longer than I should, I do my best to never say no when I can say yes, and people know that I'm always there for them. I may not always let people know that I love them but hey, that's just how I am. Most of them know anyway.
So today, naturally, I spent some time thinking about what I'd want my funeral to be like. Don't worry, this will not be melacholy and depressing. First of all, no one is allowed to wear black. It's depressing and just makes everyone feel worse. There better be every color of the rainbow there. Except indigo. Not a big fan of indigo.
Next, there better be no sappy music about angels. Everyone knows that I'm (hopefully) going to heaven and there will be angels there. Play some freakin' Metallica already. If anyone is going to play country, no George Strait. How about "Bubba Shot the Jukebox"? "Beer Man" would also be appropriate. And don't try to adapt it to be "Beer Woman." That's just dumb and I hate when people do it. Everyone knows I'm not a man. (I think)
I would also like my pallbearers to be wearing those weird sunglasses with the bushy eyebrows and big nose attached. That way no one will cry when they're hauling me out of the joint. And yes, they have to wear them for the entire ceremony.
And as for the eulogy, whoever gives it better not sit up there and talk about me like I was a saint. "She loved children and cared deeply about the dwindling blue whale population." No I don't. "She was a great person most of the time, she made us laugh, she made us think, she had a great rack, but DAMN could she be a sarcastic bitch. I think I saw her spit on a kid once too" would be more in line. (For the record-I have yet to spit on any children)
So yeah, that about covers it. Hopefully I'm so old when I die no one will even know who Metallica was, who sang "Bubba Shot the Jukebox," what a rainbow was (no ozone, after all), the blue whales will all be extinct, and spitting on kids is socially accpetable. Ah yes, I have dreams of a greater tomorrow.
I love you guys and I will probably never ever tell any of you that ever again. Don't expect me to. I'll punch you in the eye if you ask.