Whistle Me This

When first discussing my job as a CPO, or security officer, people will invariably ask me "Do you get a gun?". When this response is negative it is followed up by "Well, then do you get a billy club?" to which the answer, I'm sorry to say, is still no.

But I do get a whistle.

A whistle you say? What are you going to do with a whistle? I'll tell you, my friends. A whistle is a mighty instrument of security. When you see a trespasser, what do you do? Why, you blow your whistle of course. Of they scurry to their trespasser bungalows to tell the story of how they narrowly escaped the whistle. Wild animals prowling the grounds? Never fear, whistle is here. When used in conjuction with the spotlight also provided by Wackenhut, the whistle is virtually unstoppable.

Whistles have recently gotten a bad rap. Petey Pablo made the word whistle popular, but in a negative way, as in "Blow my Whistle Bitch". Also, when people think of whistles and whistling, the Andy Griffith Show comes to mind. Well my friends, this ain't no Mayberry. Respect the whistle.

But wait, there's more. My whistle also has a lustruous layer of shiny gold paint, indication my status as a CPO. The regular security officers are only allowed silver. This comes with an added duty, as the whistle must be polished.

As if that weren't enough, the whistle comes with a chain, painted the same lovely metallic hue and approxiamately 2 feet long, which attaches to a button on the shoulder of my uniform. Doesn't this get annoying, having a whistle on a 2 foot chain swinging around? you may ask yourself. And it would, if it weren't for (wait for it....) the WHISTLE HOLDER. Yes, that's right, my uniform comes complete with transferable whistle holder. It's a simple gadget, really. Just a bar with a hook on which you place the ring that attaches the whistle to the chain. Simple, but classy. Oh so classy.

So please, I implore you, do not look at the whistle and see anything less than the mighty weapon it truly is.

Shout out.

HI SPARKY!!!! (Apparently he "read[s] that shit man")

What's Up Now Chuck E. Cheese???

I am the gaming master.

Saturday we decided to take Daisy to Chuck E. Cheese. We means Sandy, Katie, Nathan, General, Clint and I. Yes, that's six adults and one child. After eating some wonderfully greasy pizza and being stared at by the oh so creepy animatronic band it was time to hit the game room. And hit it we did.
Nat and I had to wait awhile for the skee ball game, for some reason all these kids seemed to think they had a right to be there. Finally the kids went off to scream and smell funny elsewhere and Nat and I got to engage in some friendly competition. Or as friendly as a pair of Bouvettes can compete. This is to say not at all friendly. All you needed was 450,000 points to win the grand prize. Easier said than done, you only get 9 balls. BUT I DID IT. Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah. There was a large amount of fist pumping and jumping. 115 tickets baby!!
By this time I felt that there was nothing left for me in the skee ball section so I moved on to this game where you have to stop the light on a certain area. Once again, easier said than done. Once again, I KICKED ASS. Another 78 tickets please. Thanks. Nothing more for me here either, on to the whack-a-dinosaur thingy. There was no whacker, you had to use your hands. I had tried this earlier without much success. The record was 55 dinosaurs, my average had previously been around 47. Not this time baby. 57. Oh yeah. Numero Uno-Jaime Bouvette.
This was when I decided that I was done with the Chuck E. Cheese game room. Unlike one Mr. Brett Favre, I retired while I was on top. And I had run out of tokens.

Homemade Quiz

Of course all (5) of my blog readers has received those quizes asking your answers to questions like "If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?" or "Have you ever been in love?" and, of course, "Who do you think will return this quiz first?". Someone has to make these things, right? Of course they do. I have decided to be one of those people. Yes, that's right, I am now making a quiz that you will have to copy, paste, and fill out in your own blog or, if you don't have one, leave it as a comment. And if you don't there will be consequences. I know people.

1. What would be more likely to make you confess: The Rack or Chinese Water Torture?

2. If you had to choose a superhero to fight would you pick Superman, Spiderman, Batman or Chuck Norris? How would you defeat them?

3. Who is more attractive: Imhotep (in fully regenerated form), The Scorpion King, or Rick O'Connel?

4. What is the name of your car? If it doesn't have a name you are a bad car parent.

5. Which word is more fun to say, aardvark or spork?

6. What's the grossest thing you've ever eaten?

7. Make a sentence using the following words: eskimo, dungeon, vessel, honey badger, pantaloons

8. Did you have an imaginary friend when you were a kid (or now)? What was its name? Was it because you were too uncool to have real friends?

9. If you were going to have a cereal named after you what would it be called? And what would it taste like?

10. If you could have one super power what would it be?

11. Have you ever voluntarily watched "From Justin to Kelly"?

12. Doodle Bear or Aqua Doodle?

13. Do you believe in psychics?

14. How many medium sized baked potatoes could you eat in one sitting?

15. Invent a word. Define it and use it in a sentence.

16. Who would you rather meet, The Kool-Aid Guy, the Michelin Man or the Snuggle Bear?

17. Who's creepier, Quagmire or Zap Branigan?

18. When was the last time you cried? Sissy.

19. If you had a sidekick what would his name be?

20. Have you ever had a crush on a cartoon character?


Okay, now I suppose I should answer my own questions.

1. What would be more likely to make you confess: The Rack or Chinese Water Torture?

Chinese Water Torture for sure. That shit would be ANNOYING. Possibly even more annoying than children.

2. If you had to choose a superhero to fight would you pick Superman, Spiderman, Batman or Chuck Norris? How would you defeat them?

Spiderman. I capture him and keep him in a jar. Perhaps bring him for show and tell.

3. Who is more attractive: Imhotep (in fully regenerated form), The Scorpion King, or Rick O'Connel?

This a tough one but I'm going to have to go with The Scorpion King. Not when he had the actual scorpion body though, I'm not attracted to bug bodies. Usually.

4. What is the name of your car? If it doesn't have a name you are a bad car parent.

Snowby.

5. Which word is more fun to say, aardvark or spork?

Aardvark. But you have say with a Boston accent.

6. What's the grossest thing you've ever eaten?

I haven't really eaten anything too gross. I guess that salmon in a box that Ashly had for like 20 years.

7. Make a sentence using the following words: eskimo, dungeon, vessel, honey badger, pantaloons

Larry the Eskimo and I had just sailed our vessel to the coast of Africa (home of the honey badger) when we were thrown into a deep, dark dungeon for illegally using pantaloons.

8. Did you have an imaginary friend when you were a kid (or now)? What was its name? Was it because you were too uncool to have real friends?

No, I didn't, but now I wish I had. Stupid real friends.

9. If you were going to have a cereal named after you what would it be called? And what would it taste like?

Jaim-Bos And they would taste like toothpaste.

10. If you could have one super power what would it be?

Time warping, definitely time warping.

11. Have you ever voluntarily watched "From Justin to Kelly"?

Part of it. Okay, almost all of it. And I deeply regret every second.

12. Doodle Bear or Aqua Doodle?

Doodle Bear.

13. Do you believe in psychics?

No. I am, however, addicted to Psychic Detectives. I'm pretty sure they're making that shit up though.

14. How many medium sized baked potatoes could you eat in one sitting?

Seven.

15. Invent a word. Define it and use it in a sentence.

Smank. The liquidy ooze left in the wake of a slug. "All the bird had to do to find his dinner was follow the smank trail"

16. Who would you rather meet, The Kool-Aid Guy, the Michelin Man or the Snuggle Bear?

The Kool-Aid guy FOR SURE. But if he busted through one of my walls instead of just using the damn door I would be seriously angry at him.

17. Who's creepier, Quagmire or Zap Branigan?

I'm going to go with Quagmire on this one. I think it's the chin.

18. When was the last time you cried? Sissy.

When Turbo met his untimely demise. He was like a brother to me...A shiny red brother.

19. If you had a sidekick what would his name be? What would he look like.

Koodart. He would be small, pink, fuzzy and nice to everyone but he would have a deep, dark secret that even I didn't know.

20. Have you ever had a crush on a cartoon character?

Hell yeah, can you say ALADDIN? Launchpad wasn't half bad either...

A Bird? A Plane? No It's Justice Jaime!

Well what do you know, just 8 short months after I donned the green gown and the cap with the classy gold tassel I finally got my first "real job". For the sake of making myself feel better I am going to pretend that this job doesn't kinda suck. I am now Custom Protection Officer for Wackenhut Security Corporation (go ahead, make fun of the name, I would). Basically I'm a security guard with a degree. A third shift security guard with a degree. That's right, third shift. Ick. But you gotta start somewhere, right? And this way I'll be able to keep my waitressing job, without it I still wouldn't be able to pay my bills, the security gig is only 32 hours a week.
You may now all refer to me as Justice Jaime. A name thought up with the help of my dear friend Ashly. She is now in the process of gleefully designing me a logo that involves the Statue of Liberty, two Js, a lightening bolt and a gavel. She also suggested I call myself a "Safety Crusader" which calls to mind a nice middle aged black woman with a bright orange vest diligently patrolling the neighborhood playground or an overanal member of King Richard the Lionheart's entourage. I vetoed this idea. Except for when I tell my mom about my new job. I agreed with Ash that "Moonlight Safety Crusader" sounds a lot safer than "Third Shift Downtown Security Guard in Killwaukee (thought of that one myself *buffs nails*), Wisconsin".
Sandy helped me celebrate landing the job by cracking a couple beers, handing me one, and promptly removing herself to her room to talk to her boyfriend for an hour while I played with and made supper for her daughter. Heartwarming. Nathan and Katie are coming down this weekend so maybe we can find a sitter for Daisy and celebrate right. And it is something to celebrate. I finally have something to add to my resume that doesn't involve food service. That's pretty much all this job is for me but I figure after a while at this job I'll be able to get one that I might actually want. If I ever figure out what that is.

Dinner

Following is a list of what I ate for dinner in the order that the items were eaten.

1. Two "fun-size" bags of peanut MnMs. (I don't like peanuts)
2. One entire can of corn. (I don't like canned vegetables)
3. Two rolls of Smarties (I looooooooooooove Smarties)
4. Half a package of Town House crackers.
5. Some cheddar cheese.

You may ask, why Jaime, why would you write a blog about this. Well, it is my personal belief that confessing your dietary failings makes them okay. Also, I would like to know if anyone thinks that if these foods will mix together and make a bomb in my stomach. If the answer is yes, please call me immediately to make sure I don't eat a detonator. Because I just might.

I did not.

I can't believe I just did this. So I call back a lady that called me about my application but she's on the phone so I leave a voicemail letting her know about my new number. I happen to have her number in my hand so instead of giving her my number I GAVE HER HER OWN FREAKIN' NUMBER. Are you kidding me? How does one get this stupid? I tried to save myself with a "oh my God, I just gave you your own number. I'm an idiot. My new number is ..... Please don't think I'm stupid."

Too late.

Whole Nother

Today I will use my blog as a forum for trying to puzzle through the English language. My topic will be the phrase "whole nother". This is a frequently used phrase, as in "I have to wait a whole nother day to get paid" or "He needs a whole nother set of keys for his apartment". It just trips off the tongue. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? I suppose the "'nother" is supposed to be an abbreviation for "another" but "whole another" makes no sense whatsover. This must mean that our society has created a whole nother (see how I did that) word without even realizing it. However, I believe that nother actually is a stand in for the word "other". If so, why did we add an "N" to the word. Can we just go around adding N's to words all willy nilly? Or just words that start with a vowel? WHAT ARE THE RULES??? Who does one call to solve these sorts of mysteries?

For those of you out there in blog land thinking "Hmm...I wonder if she has to much time on her hands" the answer is an unequivocal yes.

Love Live the Pope!!! Or maybe not....

So once upon a time this guy, let's call him Ali Agca, tries to kill this famous guy, let's call him Pope John Paul II. Like the Catholic Pope. The leader of one billion Catholics. Seriously, this guy has more influence over people's action than most world leaders. Anyway, to continue my little story, this attempted assassin goes to jail. AND THEN THEY LET HIM OUT. Whaaaa? Why would you do that? Are they aware that we still have a Pope? And that that pope probably does not care to be assassinated at this time? This guy had already killed a guy in Turkey and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. TEN YEARS? Remind to commit all my murders in Turkey, please. So once he was extradited there that's all he had to serve. The best part of this story is that, because he had dodged his obligatory military service, he will now be forced to complete this service. So what you're saying is that you're going to give this guy access to government issued weapons...I'm not sure what goes through the heads of some people. We live in a crazy, crazy world my friends.

Coach Tice

I decided that there was no better prompt to resume my blogging than the firing of one Coach Mike Tice. Yesterday, almost immediately after the Vikings crushed the Bears 35-10 (yes, I realize that the Bears were resting their key players) Zygi Wilff, without really giving Tice any time to enjoy his victory, announced that he would not be renewing Tice's contract for next year. I'm still trying to work through my feelings on this one. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I relieved? Am I worried? I guess I have to say I'm a little of all four.

Yes, Tice lost control of his team at the beginning of the season. We all know the scandals, Super Bowl scalping, the Love Boat, the Whizzinator, etc., but the important thing is that he got the team back under control. The thought that the Vikings, or any team, can come off that, combined with a 2-5 start to end up with a winning season one game off the conference champions does not prompt me to think that a new coach is necessarily needed right now. Is that really what is best for the team?

I will admit, I was beginning to call for Tice's blood when it seemed that he had absolutely no control over his players. It was downright embarrassing being a Vikings fan for awhile there. You can't defend that stuff, you just have to shrug and smile and say "they're still my team". Then there is the fact that the Vikings just can't seem to get there with Tice. Last year they made it to the second round of the playoffs but I'm pretty sure everyone knew before the game that that's as far as they were headed. He had the talent, he just couldn't produce. Still, I can't help thinking if he just had one more year....

Along with this pondering I am also forced to think about next season, which will inevitably involve more "rebuilding". New coach, new players, new game plan. Great. Unless whoever comes in (please not Steve Mariucci) can pull a Gruden, next year looks to be just as disappointing as the last few. Oh well, at least I'm not a Packers fan.