Top Five Reasons I am Going to Hell

1. I have already failed Lent. Yesterday's breakfast was 2 eggs...with some delicious turkey bacon. Lunch was a chicken sandwich. How do I forget about the no meat thing ON ASH WEDNESDAY? I made it literally like 10 hours into Lent without breaking the rules.

2. Church? What's church? I actually don't mind going to church, it makes me feel good about myself. So does beer. People drink beer on Saturday nights and are hungover/sleeping on Sunday mornings. This is coincidentally when church is. Add my weird work schedule to this and you'll see that church is just not in the cards. What's wrong with Tuesday nights??

3. Those commandment thingies? Not doing so good. Let's examine.

1. I am the Lord, your God, you shalls have no gods before me. Check, doing good on this one.
2. Thou shall not worship false idols. Check, got this one down too.
3. Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain. Wow do I SUCK at this one. I generally try to avoid the G-dammit phrase but "Oh my God" and other similar phrases make frequent appearences in my dialogue.
4. Keep the Lord's day holy. I think I pretty much covered this one in #2.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother. I've definitely gotten better at this one but there is no stopping the sarcasm stream and that extends to my parents. Oh yeah, my dad is kind of a douche sometimes too.
6. Thou shall not commit murder. I think I'll be alright with this one. Although I do live with a 6 year old who is entering the mouthy phase of her existence. Just think, in 15 short years she'll be done with it!
7. Thou shall not commit adultry. It depends on what we're considering adultry here. I've never been married, so that's out. Those of you who have heard the lake story let me know if I violated this one.
8. Thou shall not steal. Anyone who has drank with Cat, Sandy and me know that this commandment gets blown out of the water everytime.
9. Thou shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. EVERYBODY LIES. I actually enjoy it. Granted, I never do it to hurt anyone or in seriousness, but lying is sooooo fun. I especially love telling Daisy that she's not a kid anymore so she's not allowed to eat kids Chex Mix. That gets her every time. Or telling her that she has to jump through firey hoops at the Country Fair.
10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's goods. Just like everyone lies, everyone has been jealous of what other people have. It's human nature.

Commandment summary: 7 of 10 broken

4. I make fun of churchy people. A lot. Especially Mormons. Man those dudes are whacked. And usually ugly.

5. I actually enjoy the movie "Little Nicky".